Belonging

Two songs today just stick out in my mind:

"Still you hear me when I'm calling, lord you catch me when I'm falling and you show me who I am, I am yours"

and

"Why are you searching for love? Why are you still trying as if I'm not enough?"

I guess this has come up in the past few days, not because of any circumstance in particular, but a lot of what ifs in general.

As much as I adore Pastor Craig and Sister Andrea, I do still miss Bishop and Sister Rice. I miss the fatherly type of advice I get from Bishop Rice.

In many ways, I am still growing into adulthood I guess. The feeling of being independent instead of being in my (to borrow a Lakota word ) "tipospaye" (I think that's how you spell it) or my large extended native family. The family that you know will always take care of you no matter what.

And yes, this is far more traditional then modern society. I am used to a father figure over me and a huge amount of interdependence. When I moved out here I had to start rebuilding a network, a family. My church has become that to me. The problem was is that I did depend on Bishop and Sister Rice for advice, especially for that which I need more of parent advice.

I guess its because certain things have crossed my mind lately. I'm very old fashioned in a lot of ways and don't believe that a career is the be all end all of my life. I also am a firm believer in courtship rather than dating and that means being under submission to authority. And while Dad isn't here, that is Pastor Craig which feels weird, but is ok.

There's a lot of steps I take, that I wish my family were here for, but they can't be. And sometimes it does feel like I don't belong at church because i have no family. I just remember how we would take someone in when Pastor had families pray together in Bean Blossom.

Thankfully that doesn't happen often here. Because it would be a problem. I am a leader in the church and I am on my own.

But who do I belong to? As my cousin reminded me today, I am a princess, a daughter of the king.

And I am his.

Make Me a Servant

Bishop Seniour always said that the difference in the prodigal son from when he left and when he came back was that when he left his attitude was "give me" and when he came back, his attitude was "make me".

Whenever I hear the song "When God Ran" or I read that story, I remember that comment from my very first UPC Pastor, a man that still influences my life to this day. The attitude of the prodigal son "make me a servant".

I guess that that song and that thought is what's in my head and heart today as I go through my day. I had a conversation with a friend last night about being a servant and serving people.

How do I serve a person without putting them on a pedestal? Or do you? And how do you serve without demeaning yourself?

I see imperfections in people, believe me, I usually prefer my dog and tarantula to most humans. But at the same time, I know I am out here first and foremost to help with a ripe harvest of souls in Idaho Falls. That I am a servant of God and my church.

Serving my pastor is the easiest sometimes. Making coffee, making sure the sound system is on when church starts. Doing my best in the sound booth although it is not my favorite job in the world. Lifting him and his wife up in prayer every day. And never down talking him ever.

But how do I serve others in the church? How do I build up the other leadership? Male or female how do I serve without seeming that I am demeaning myself.

I'm straight up not a feminist. I believe that God created men and women differently with different strengths and weaknesses. We are wired differently to complement each other. And a man is the leader, a woman is not. (But a man is a complete idiot not to listen to the advice of a woman and consider it because she will see something differently than he does and perhaps something he missed)

The thing is, I am figuring out how to build up the other leaders in church. For someone with my views it may seem as a complete contradiction that I am a department head, but I am under submission to my pastor which makes all the difference in the world.

So how do I serve? How do I build up without tearing down? How can I encourage someone without nagging?

I guess that's a new journey of discovery for Sister Naomi as she enters her 30th year.

Changing Faces and Getting Comfortable

Maybe I'm restless as I get ready to turn the corner to 30.

Maybe I'm growing up and just wanting to look like it, but I've wanted to change lately. Change is good right?

So I changed, in as big a way as a Pentecostal girl can. My native straight hair is now a mass of curls down my back. And not the kind that I have to sleep on foam curlers to obtain.

So now I look in the mirror as I get ready for school and see the exact Pentecostal girl that I said I would never become. Scarier? I LOVE the way I look and LOVE to look in the mirror.

I don't know what's happening to me lately. I make my skirts a bit shorter, I'm buying high heels. I am twisting my hair up in funky dos with my new perm or even just washing it and "scrunching" it and leaving it down my back. I've put up more photos of myself on facebook in the last week then I had in a long time (Most of my pics on there are school pictures.)

It is sometimes confusing though. I don't know why I am going through all these changes. To prove that although I'm single at almost 30 (I'm a veritable old maid in Pentecost LOL) I am still pretty? Just a feminine desire to be beautiful and alluring?

I can't tell you what these changes are. I'm not sure who I am becoming myself. Between school and church I have little time for introspection.

So what's going to happen in my next thirty years (to borrow a line from Tim McGraw. *smiles*)

I will walk more and more confidently in God, depending on him.

I will see revival in Idaho Falls, while the temple may not come down physically, it WILL metaphorically.

I want to become the person that my pastor thinks that I am.

I want to see my friends at work saved.

Most of all, while I like to look pretty, I want to not concentrate on what I look like, but focus on who I am. Because I'm a princess, a daughter of the king and no matter what I am called to do, I will focus on doing it properly.

Considerations...

It came out of a single thought on a website that I frequent -- namely creative worship tour (http://www.creativeworshiptour.com)

How do you get teenage and child presentations in the church out of the realm of "a moment in the spotlight" or entertainment and bring them into true worship? This becomes even closer to my heart as I prepare for Sunday's Easter program.

Raised in a Pentecostal church in the Pentecostal culture, I was encouraged to worship at a youngish age (My parents got into church when I was six) Kids are in worship service with the adults and sing and worship with them. Often it starts as imitation but it then will blossom into true worship as they get older. By the time you are a teen, you take some adult responsibilities on in the church and when doing drama or music are taken as seriously as an adult.

Does this have to do with the sincerity of the child or teen? I think not actually. I think it has to do with adult expectations and what they model for the young people in their congregation. Do we want to dumb everything down for our children and young adults or do we want to raise the bar so that they experience God at a young age?

Granted, this takes a shift in many denominations, instead of keeping the children "entertained" during church, maybe they should participate in the worship. The more they participate and the more they get of the presence of God, the more they will want it. God is what keeps them as they grow up, not programs or activities but having the presence of God in their own lives and experiencing him for themselves.

Now lest anyone would think that I'm against Sunday School or programs for teens, I am EMPHATICALLY not against them. I'm the Sunday School director at my church and deal with childrens' programming, including our newly formed choir/praise streamer team. But my goal is not necessarily to be perfect, but rather to teach them to worship authentically and to experience God for themselves.

If we loose this generation because we are more concerned with being entertained then we are about their walk with God then we have lost our future as a church. With people talking about "the fall of Evangelical Christianity" we can no longer afford to just sit and wait on our kids to grow up. They need to take the leadership they are called to NOW and maybe even to give the adults a few lessons.

Jesus said to "suffer not the little children to come unto me". He did not say to wait until they were older, he wanted them in his presence even at the earliest of ages and the children in this story WANTED to be in the presence of Jesus.

What does that tell us now?

I'm disturbed by what I see in Christianity today, from changing standards to moral relativism to the whole "Emergent church" concept. Kids are learning the moral relativism in school, in pop culture, everywhere. Let's not let them learn it at church too.

Instead, let's lead them into a passionate relationship with Jesus Christ himself, teaching them right and wrong as we go. And let them embrace the creativity that they were gifted with. If those two things occur, then truth will continue to thrive.

Turning 30....

I don't know what it was that caused this thought process...

Challenges at church?

Work going by?

Just a generally restless feeling?

Or is it my cousin Andrea's blog that brought it on, I don't know.

I turn 30 next month. Maybe not a big deal to some but to me it starts to signal another phase in my life. I look back and reflect on how good God is but its still startling to realize that I am as old as my mother used to be...

Ok, that sounds odd, but what I mean by that is this:

Any time I remember asking my Mom how old she was the answer was always 30 or older. Same with Dad. Yet, I don't remember a lot of what Mom looked like back then (before a housefire) and things like how she was built or how much gray she had.

Hey, I am not sure now half the time, her hair is getting more "salt" then salt and pepper these days and so is Dad's. (I'm surprised Dad still has hair but that's another story altogether... See some pictures of my uncles and you'll understand)

Some vain part of me keeps looking for gray hairs in the mirror and trying to figure out how to casually hide them if they do show up. They haven't yet (I'm not that vain, but I want to feel like I've EARNED gray hairs if I get them).

When I entered my teens, I dealt with junior high, catty girls, cruel boys and depression.

When I entered my 20's, my world was rocked with a car accident that should have killed me. I spent the whole summer of my 21st year on a walker, then a cane and finally limping as I learned to walk again. Two years later, another wreck, this time readjusting my viewpoint on life, injuring my back so I couldn't pursue the nursing career that I dreamed of. Plus multiple illnesses and then a missions trip that changed my life forever.

That missions trip brought me here. To where I will spend my thirties and possibly the rest of my life.

I came out here, figuring it was only for one year and then it turned into another... I have no intention of leaving a town that I love so much!

I'm restless these days, wanting to change my image, slowly change who I am. Slightly shorter skirts, high heels, playing with my hair. It's like I'm trying to figure out WHO I am.

But I know who I am. I'm the woman that God made me to be. The audio-visual-sound person-teacher-kids church director-helping my pastor out any way I can-drama team-musician woman. I live in a Mormon community where I see a temple almost daily and it breaks my heart.

There's a song from Casting Crowns that sums it up "Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling and you show me who I am, I am YOURS"

I belong to God, old or young, married or single. And that is that.

Who Will Still Stand? Sacrifice and thoughts on women in Pentecost...

http://www.setapartgirl.com/blog/Entries/2008/12/8_Dying_to_Self%E2%80%99s_Agenda.html

I'm a huge fan of Leslie Ludy and this blog just happened to express everything going on in my life.

Pastor Craig announced that 2009 is a "Year of Miracles" and we are entering into a month of prayer and fasting -- praying through the book of Acts. PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) is the January theme for Mountainview Christian Center.

There was a video shown on Tuesday night of the Foreign Missions Service at General Conference this year. I watched it as the preacher (don't remember who it was) talked about sacrifice and how the people of the UPCI no longer had that spirit in so many ways. How they'd get calls at Foreign Missions asking what was open, rather then someone with a passionate burden.

Then he started naming names that I had grown up with. Brother Wilhoite (not sure on that spelling) who died in Mexico and had done work in Mexico, the Phillipines, Belize and Guyana. Elder Brother Seniour had done several trips with him so I remember hearing him and knowing who he was.

Elsa Lund was another name, a woman that I remember seeing in the foreign missions poster in the back of the church -- I used to look for the single ladies on there so I remembered who she was. Liberia, the Ivory Coast... She's retired now in Canada and still gives so much financially to Missions.

The one that got me though, was Sister Nona Freeman. A woman who spoke at Ladies' Conference in Indiana on more than one occasion (and is one of my all time favorite speakers). You hear about her as much as you did about her husband. I used to read her column in Reflections magazine -- even if I read nothing else.

They brought her out, in a wheelchair now, looking frail and aged. This woman who has and still gives so much to our movement.

It got me thinking...

I know the women I looked up to growing up. The stories of missionaries that my mother told me. The Elizabeth Elliots, the Corrie Ten Booms, as I grew into adulthood, the Amy Carmichaels. And the women of our movement such as Sister Potter, Sister Freeman and some in Indiana such as Sister Rudolph (who co-pastored with her husband) and Sister Gobel, the wife of the Home missions director.

These women have aged and perhaps some have even passed on while I didn't know about it.

But who is my niece Kaylee going to look up to? Who are the women that are going to figure in her life? Is it going to be the cookie cutters of my generation? I know a few that are passionate about what they do, but I have seen so many of the young women that I grew up with that have backslid.

When the older generation dies, what will happen? What kind of women will be left?

I hope I can tell her of the Elonas who left their families to work in a home missions work in San Fransico. Or the Melodys who move to their hometown to live in an RV and work at the church.

I hope there are more women like that. So that there's someone for Kaylee and others like her to emulate.

Winter Wonderland? Holidays Away from Home and Christmas in Retail...

I'm sitting in a warm house on my roommate's Mac with a day off of work and SNOWED IN.

Ok, not completely, just til they plow the stupid alleyway in the back. My little tiny Ford Aspire will NOT get out - Kriss's truck barely got out. I haven't tried, but looking at the situations back there I see no point in trying -- I'm completely having trouble walking to the backyard.

Yeah, I am TERRIFIED of heights and HATE winter weather. And where does God call me to? The Idaho Rockies.

Life goes on as normal here. Pastor Craig and Sister Andrea have moved in to the satisfaction of everyone as far as I can tell. The lone one voter who voted against them has not spoken up since -- we don't know who it was. The kids are SO happy that they are here. They love Pastor Craig so it works.

By this point, I am almost done with my very first Christmas season in retail. Now this is not a crazy spot for Christmas -- our busy time at Office Max is Back to School -- but it's been nuts enough. Though last night, it was fun -- we were putting together display chairs and cracking jokes, and such. I love working with a group of geeks even if I am constantly tired from all the stuff I try to fit in a week.

In the meantime, life goes on. I'm sick of Christmas music because there is NO religious music on our MUSAK station and so we hear the same stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER. One night, in my four hour shift, I heard the song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" FIVE TIMES.

Yeah, I was annoyed. Last night, I was sooo sick of it that I was singing "Fine Fine Line" from Avenue Q and "Once Upon a Time" from Brooklyn to try to combat it in my head. Of course, Josh, one of my supervisors was half singing "I'm the Pirate King" from Pirates of Penzance... Just two lines, but enough to make me giggle.

keeping busy is good. Trying to make my own traditions is fun -- Kriss and I are going to listen to a bell concert tomorrow night. And I'm making a French Toast Strata and then we are making an elaborate breakfast for Christmas morning.

It's rough though. I'm missing Kaylee's first Christmas. I'm missing Joel and Zeke and Zach and their Christmas gifts. I miss my parents, my grandparents, my brothers, my sister, even all my in-laws...

But I cannot trade what I have here. I know as Jeff Siscoe put it once, the best example that I can send my nephews and niece is that their aunt follows God's will even if it is difficult. I have to remember that.

I'm a missionary. And that is where I belong.