Belonging

Two songs today just stick out in my mind:

"Still you hear me when I'm calling, lord you catch me when I'm falling and you show me who I am, I am yours"

and

"Why are you searching for love? Why are you still trying as if I'm not enough?"

I guess this has come up in the past few days, not because of any circumstance in particular, but a lot of what ifs in general.

As much as I adore Pastor Craig and Sister Andrea, I do still miss Bishop and Sister Rice. I miss the fatherly type of advice I get from Bishop Rice.

In many ways, I am still growing into adulthood I guess. The feeling of being independent instead of being in my (to borrow a Lakota word ) "tipospaye" (I think that's how you spell it) or my large extended native family. The family that you know will always take care of you no matter what.

And yes, this is far more traditional then modern society. I am used to a father figure over me and a huge amount of interdependence. When I moved out here I had to start rebuilding a network, a family. My church has become that to me. The problem was is that I did depend on Bishop and Sister Rice for advice, especially for that which I need more of parent advice.

I guess its because certain things have crossed my mind lately. I'm very old fashioned in a lot of ways and don't believe that a career is the be all end all of my life. I also am a firm believer in courtship rather than dating and that means being under submission to authority. And while Dad isn't here, that is Pastor Craig which feels weird, but is ok.

There's a lot of steps I take, that I wish my family were here for, but they can't be. And sometimes it does feel like I don't belong at church because i have no family. I just remember how we would take someone in when Pastor had families pray together in Bean Blossom.

Thankfully that doesn't happen often here. Because it would be a problem. I am a leader in the church and I am on my own.

But who do I belong to? As my cousin reminded me today, I am a princess, a daughter of the king.

And I am his.