Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Where Was I When?

It's truly amazing to think back on things sometimes. Even more so when you are teaching it.

Between teaching the post World War II history to eighth grade and going through a bit of a Billy Joel phase of late (We Didn't Start the Fire) it's been incredible to see what I have witnessed so far in my relatively short lifespan and how much things have changed.

I probably bore my eighth graders talking about what I remember. I was in fifth grade when the Berlin Wall fell. Boom, just like that. One day we were watching a movie about escaping over it (Anyone remember that film? I think it was a Disney thing, this guy went over the wall in a hot air balloon) and three days later there they were taking it apart on the cover of Weekly Reader (our fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Mayfield got a piece of the wall from a German exchange student that stayed with her, I HELD a piece of history in my hands.).

I remember the Soviet Union coming apart and the ensuing civil wars in the smaller countries. I met a member of the Afghani royal family (some minor member) who fled to the US (And Nashville, IN of all places) because of the Soviet Occupation.

I remember being on the way to church and sitting in the parking lot at the Old Goshen church when we learned that we had started bombing Iraq for the first time.

I cried when the Challenger exploded. I was scared when they started deploying troops to Iraq. I was bored and outraged during the Impeachment trials -- and rolled my eyes at the people around me. (It's never a really good time to be an ultra conservative at Indiana University LOL)

But I also remember being shocked when my friends got pregnant in high school and when some admitted to being sexually active even though some waited until high school.

I watched friends take marijuana and LSD (Yes, the drugs of the 60's were the popular ones in Brown County). I watched a brilliantly talented musician friend burn her brain out in LSD in so many ways. I could do nothing but watch and pray.

A friend died in a car accident and another died of cancer, but after graduation I survived a car accident that should've killed me.

Yeah, that took a toll for a very long time.

I'm not sure if I even have a point to this blog. Just so much dead space going through my head the last few days. I'm working on making my new life here in Idaho, even now over a year later, but sometimes just the smallest portion of grief can get to me so easily.

I don't know why I am still alive at times. Car wrecks and somewhat reckless decisions could pretty much have been the end of me several times, but I know that God has a plan for my life.

But what about the others? I'm no worthier than Mike Arteoga, than Linda Lowry, or Jeff Alvey. In fact, I see how many times I fail day by day and wonder how long before God says "Ok, this is enough, this girl is nuts!"

But the grace of God is so much bigger than what I am. Bigger than my zany stupidity and my ability to trip over my own feet. Bigger than the hurtful things that I can do to people.

Who am I to be in leadership? Just a faulty human woman. A daughter of Eve as C.S. Lewis and Marcus both say. Brilliantly socially awkward at some times and socially adaptable at others.

This blog has no real purpose, but I send it out into a questioning world. I can't believe that I'm not the only one that's ever had these rambling thoughts.


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