I don't know what it was that caused this thought process...
Challenges at church?
Work going by?
Just a generally restless feeling?
Or is it my cousin Andrea's blog that brought it on, I don't know.
I turn 30 next month. Maybe not a big deal to some but to me it starts to signal another phase in my life. I look back and reflect on how good God is but its still startling to realize that I am as old as my mother used to be...
Ok, that sounds odd, but what I mean by that is this:
Any time I remember asking my Mom how old she was the answer was always 30 or older. Same with Dad. Yet, I don't remember a lot of what Mom looked like back then (before a housefire) and things like how she was built or how much gray she had.
Hey, I am not sure now half the time, her hair is getting more "salt" then salt and pepper these days and so is Dad's. (I'm surprised Dad still has hair but that's another story altogether... See some pictures of my uncles and you'll understand)
Some vain part of me keeps looking for gray hairs in the mirror and trying to figure out how to casually hide them if they do show up. They haven't yet (I'm not that vain, but I want to feel like I've EARNED gray hairs if I get them).
When I entered my teens, I dealt with junior high, catty girls, cruel boys and depression.
When I entered my 20's, my world was rocked with a car accident that should have killed me. I spent the whole summer of my 21st year on a walker, then a cane and finally limping as I learned to walk again. Two years later, another wreck, this time readjusting my viewpoint on life, injuring my back so I couldn't pursue the nursing career that I dreamed of. Plus multiple illnesses and then a missions trip that changed my life forever.
That missions trip brought me here. To where I will spend my thirties and possibly the rest of my life.
I came out here, figuring it was only for one year and then it turned into another... I have no intention of leaving a town that I love so much!
I'm restless these days, wanting to change my image, slowly change who I am. Slightly shorter skirts, high heels, playing with my hair. It's like I'm trying to figure out WHO I am.
But I know who I am. I'm the woman that God made me to be. The audio-visual-sound person-teacher-kids church director-helping my pastor out any way I can-drama team-musician woman. I live in a Mormon community where I see a temple almost daily and it breaks my heart.
There's a song from Casting Crowns that sums it up "Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling and you show me who I am, I am YOURS"
I belong to God, old or young, married or single. And that is that.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Who Will Still Stand? Sacrifice and thoughts on women in Pentecost...
http://www.setapartgirl.com/blog/Entries/2008/12/8_Dying_to_Self%E2%80%99s_Agenda.html
I'm a huge fan of Leslie Ludy and this blog just happened to express everything going on in my life.
Pastor Craig announced that 2009 is a "Year of Miracles" and we are entering into a month of prayer and fasting -- praying through the book of Acts. PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) is the January theme for Mountainview Christian Center.
There was a video shown on Tuesday night of the Foreign Missions Service at General Conference this year. I watched it as the preacher (don't remember who it was) talked about sacrifice and how the people of the UPCI no longer had that spirit in so many ways. How they'd get calls at Foreign Missions asking what was open, rather then someone with a passionate burden.
Then he started naming names that I had grown up with. Brother Wilhoite (not sure on that spelling) who died in Mexico and had done work in Mexico, the Phillipines, Belize and Guyana. Elder Brother Seniour had done several trips with him so I remember hearing him and knowing who he was.
Elsa Lund was another name, a woman that I remember seeing in the foreign missions poster in the back of the church -- I used to look for the single ladies on there so I remembered who she was. Liberia, the Ivory Coast... She's retired now in Canada and still gives so much financially to Missions.
The one that got me though, was Sister Nona Freeman. A woman who spoke at Ladies' Conference in Indiana on more than one occasion (and is one of my all time favorite speakers). You hear about her as much as you did about her husband. I used to read her column in Reflections magazine -- even if I read nothing else.
They brought her out, in a wheelchair now, looking frail and aged. This woman who has and still gives so much to our movement.
It got me thinking...
I know the women I looked up to growing up. The stories of missionaries that my mother told me. The Elizabeth Elliots, the Corrie Ten Booms, as I grew into adulthood, the Amy Carmichaels. And the women of our movement such as Sister Potter, Sister Freeman and some in Indiana such as Sister Rudolph (who co-pastored with her husband) and Sister Gobel, the wife of the Home missions director.
These women have aged and perhaps some have even passed on while I didn't know about it.
But who is my niece Kaylee going to look up to? Who are the women that are going to figure in her life? Is it going to be the cookie cutters of my generation? I know a few that are passionate about what they do, but I have seen so many of the young women that I grew up with that have backslid.
When the older generation dies, what will happen? What kind of women will be left?
I hope I can tell her of the Elonas who left their families to work in a home missions work in San Fransico. Or the Melodys who move to their hometown to live in an RV and work at the church.
I hope there are more women like that. So that there's someone for Kaylee and others like her to emulate.
I'm a huge fan of Leslie Ludy and this blog just happened to express everything going on in my life.
Pastor Craig announced that 2009 is a "Year of Miracles" and we are entering into a month of prayer and fasting -- praying through the book of Acts. PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) is the January theme for Mountainview Christian Center.
There was a video shown on Tuesday night of the Foreign Missions Service at General Conference this year. I watched it as the preacher (don't remember who it was) talked about sacrifice and how the people of the UPCI no longer had that spirit in so many ways. How they'd get calls at Foreign Missions asking what was open, rather then someone with a passionate burden.
Then he started naming names that I had grown up with. Brother Wilhoite (not sure on that spelling) who died in Mexico and had done work in Mexico, the Phillipines, Belize and Guyana. Elder Brother Seniour had done several trips with him so I remember hearing him and knowing who he was.
Elsa Lund was another name, a woman that I remember seeing in the foreign missions poster in the back of the church -- I used to look for the single ladies on there so I remembered who she was. Liberia, the Ivory Coast... She's retired now in Canada and still gives so much financially to Missions.
The one that got me though, was Sister Nona Freeman. A woman who spoke at Ladies' Conference in Indiana on more than one occasion (and is one of my all time favorite speakers). You hear about her as much as you did about her husband. I used to read her column in Reflections magazine -- even if I read nothing else.
They brought her out, in a wheelchair now, looking frail and aged. This woman who has and still gives so much to our movement.
It got me thinking...
I know the women I looked up to growing up. The stories of missionaries that my mother told me. The Elizabeth Elliots, the Corrie Ten Booms, as I grew into adulthood, the Amy Carmichaels. And the women of our movement such as Sister Potter, Sister Freeman and some in Indiana such as Sister Rudolph (who co-pastored with her husband) and Sister Gobel, the wife of the Home missions director.
These women have aged and perhaps some have even passed on while I didn't know about it.
But who is my niece Kaylee going to look up to? Who are the women that are going to figure in her life? Is it going to be the cookie cutters of my generation? I know a few that are passionate about what they do, but I have seen so many of the young women that I grew up with that have backslid.
When the older generation dies, what will happen? What kind of women will be left?
I hope I can tell her of the Elonas who left their families to work in a home missions work in San Fransico. Or the Melodys who move to their hometown to live in an RV and work at the church.
I hope there are more women like that. So that there's someone for Kaylee and others like her to emulate.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Winter Wonderland? Holidays Away from Home and Christmas in Retail...
I'm sitting in a warm house on my roommate's Mac with a day off of work and SNOWED IN.
Ok, not completely, just til they plow the stupid alleyway in the back. My little tiny Ford Aspire will NOT get out - Kriss's truck barely got out. I haven't tried, but looking at the situations back there I see no point in trying -- I'm completely having trouble walking to the backyard.
Yeah, I am TERRIFIED of heights and HATE winter weather. And where does God call me to? The Idaho Rockies.
Life goes on as normal here. Pastor Craig and Sister Andrea have moved in to the satisfaction of everyone as far as I can tell. The lone one voter who voted against them has not spoken up since -- we don't know who it was. The kids are SO happy that they are here. They love Pastor Craig so it works.
By this point, I am almost done with my very first Christmas season in retail. Now this is not a crazy spot for Christmas -- our busy time at Office Max is Back to School -- but it's been nuts enough. Though last night, it was fun -- we were putting together display chairs and cracking jokes, and such. I love working with a group of geeks even if I am constantly tired from all the stuff I try to fit in a week.
In the meantime, life goes on. I'm sick of Christmas music because there is NO religious music on our MUSAK station and so we hear the same stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER. One night, in my four hour shift, I heard the song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" FIVE TIMES.
Yeah, I was annoyed. Last night, I was sooo sick of it that I was singing "Fine Fine Line" from Avenue Q and "Once Upon a Time" from Brooklyn to try to combat it in my head. Of course, Josh, one of my supervisors was half singing "I'm the Pirate King" from Pirates of Penzance... Just two lines, but enough to make me giggle.
keeping busy is good. Trying to make my own traditions is fun -- Kriss and I are going to listen to a bell concert tomorrow night. And I'm making a French Toast Strata and then we are making an elaborate breakfast for Christmas morning.
It's rough though. I'm missing Kaylee's first Christmas. I'm missing Joel and Zeke and Zach and their Christmas gifts. I miss my parents, my grandparents, my brothers, my sister, even all my in-laws...
But I cannot trade what I have here. I know as Jeff Siscoe put it once, the best example that I can send my nephews and niece is that their aunt follows God's will even if it is difficult. I have to remember that.
I'm a missionary. And that is where I belong.
Ok, not completely, just til they plow the stupid alleyway in the back. My little tiny Ford Aspire will NOT get out - Kriss's truck barely got out. I haven't tried, but looking at the situations back there I see no point in trying -- I'm completely having trouble walking to the backyard.
Yeah, I am TERRIFIED of heights and HATE winter weather. And where does God call me to? The Idaho Rockies.
Life goes on as normal here. Pastor Craig and Sister Andrea have moved in to the satisfaction of everyone as far as I can tell. The lone one voter who voted against them has not spoken up since -- we don't know who it was. The kids are SO happy that they are here. They love Pastor Craig so it works.
By this point, I am almost done with my very first Christmas season in retail. Now this is not a crazy spot for Christmas -- our busy time at Office Max is Back to School -- but it's been nuts enough. Though last night, it was fun -- we were putting together display chairs and cracking jokes, and such. I love working with a group of geeks even if I am constantly tired from all the stuff I try to fit in a week.
In the meantime, life goes on. I'm sick of Christmas music because there is NO religious music on our MUSAK station and so we hear the same stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER. One night, in my four hour shift, I heard the song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" FIVE TIMES.
Yeah, I was annoyed. Last night, I was sooo sick of it that I was singing "Fine Fine Line" from Avenue Q and "Once Upon a Time" from Brooklyn to try to combat it in my head. Of course, Josh, one of my supervisors was half singing "I'm the Pirate King" from Pirates of Penzance... Just two lines, but enough to make me giggle.
keeping busy is good. Trying to make my own traditions is fun -- Kriss and I are going to listen to a bell concert tomorrow night. And I'm making a French Toast Strata and then we are making an elaborate breakfast for Christmas morning.
It's rough though. I'm missing Kaylee's first Christmas. I'm missing Joel and Zeke and Zach and their Christmas gifts. I miss my parents, my grandparents, my brothers, my sister, even all my in-laws...
But I cannot trade what I have here. I know as Jeff Siscoe put it once, the best example that I can send my nephews and niece is that their aunt follows God's will even if it is difficult. I have to remember that.
I'm a missionary. And that is where I belong.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"Straight Sizes"
Never heard the term?
I'm not surprised I guess. Most people haven't. Unless you're in plus sizes and then you understand perfectly.
I had a turning point this weekend. My khaki skirts that I wear to Office Max are all falling off of me. In fact, anything without a drawstring is starting to fall off of me. So while I was in at Ross's, I looked at the belt rack.
I have never been able to get a belt in my life, at least not without squeezing, scrimping and pushing at it.
I pulled an XL belt off the rack and it FIT with room to spare. As in the first try I pick up a simple black belt that is so to my taste it's not even funny.
Then it got better. I spoke for some 1X tops on freecycle. These looked too small but I tried them on anyway. I'm wearing the second one today. A pretty fitted tunic top with pleats that buttons up the front.
Not sure but I am going to try on the cute velvet WalMart dresses just to see...
So why am I writing this?
It's a scary moment in my life. I haven't run around in an 18/20 since around college days. Before the first major bout of depression, I was in an 18 and ok with it then, but did want to be skinnier. I'll never be a size 6, it's not in my build, but I'm loosing a lot of the extra weight.
It's scary. I've been big for so long, it's felt like an exclusive club I belong to. Clothing choices are a lot less but at least it's predictable.
Now that I'm on the cusp of the so-called "straight sizes" (And yeah, I can wear some of them) I'm scared spitless... Everyone is like "Oh you look so good" or "It's so much healthier for you"
And I am sitting falling apart for no apparent reason other than suddenly I have more choices in my clothing and knowing that this may or may not bring more attention to my appearance. (I'm still VERY curvy. That's another always will be)
So... What's going to happen? Why am I so scared?
I don't know.
I'm not surprised I guess. Most people haven't. Unless you're in plus sizes and then you understand perfectly.
I had a turning point this weekend. My khaki skirts that I wear to Office Max are all falling off of me. In fact, anything without a drawstring is starting to fall off of me. So while I was in at Ross's, I looked at the belt rack.
I have never been able to get a belt in my life, at least not without squeezing, scrimping and pushing at it.
I pulled an XL belt off the rack and it FIT with room to spare. As in the first try I pick up a simple black belt that is so to my taste it's not even funny.
Then it got better. I spoke for some 1X tops on freecycle. These looked too small but I tried them on anyway. I'm wearing the second one today. A pretty fitted tunic top with pleats that buttons up the front.
Not sure but I am going to try on the cute velvet WalMart dresses just to see...
So why am I writing this?
It's a scary moment in my life. I haven't run around in an 18/20 since around college days. Before the first major bout of depression, I was in an 18 and ok with it then, but did want to be skinnier. I'll never be a size 6, it's not in my build, but I'm loosing a lot of the extra weight.
It's scary. I've been big for so long, it's felt like an exclusive club I belong to. Clothing choices are a lot less but at least it's predictable.
Now that I'm on the cusp of the so-called "straight sizes" (And yeah, I can wear some of them) I'm scared spitless... Everyone is like "Oh you look so good" or "It's so much healthier for you"
And I am sitting falling apart for no apparent reason other than suddenly I have more choices in my clothing and knowing that this may or may not bring more attention to my appearance. (I'm still VERY curvy. That's another always will be)
So... What's going to happen? Why am I so scared?
I don't know.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Running the Dog Spa
For those that don't know, the love of my life is not a human male but a bratty pug/chi rescue named Pippin. Today was a semi-free afternoon. So here is the tragic tale....
I was playing with his majesty the pug in the living room today and decided his toenails were getting on my nerves.
As well as his smell.
So steps go as follows:
1. Grab Messiah CD (for my own personal relaxation also Kris, Lynn and I are going to a Handel concert tonight so... :) ) and toenail trimmers from my room.
2. Grab the dog. Pippin does not think he is in this for any personal lap time nor is he getting fed so he's already leary.
3. Take left front paw and hold it firmly in hand, then clip dew claw.
4. Pug tries to make himself look small and pathetic and shivering and jerking foot away. Human sits firm.
5. Four claws later on same paw, cry of distress is heard.
6. Mommy stops and then grabs a kleenex, hoping to save jeanskirt from blood stains, all the while telling pug everything is ok.
7. Human stops suddenly when pulling tissue away realizes that there is no blood present on the tissue.
8. Human continues on right front foot.
9. Human once more stops when pug yelps.
10. Once more grabs tissue to find that there is no blood.
11. Human realizes she is getting royally played by pug and manages to complete the job.
12. After pug is exhausted by this job, bath is simple and followed off by a good poop.
yeah, definitely personality.
I was playing with his majesty the pug in the living room today and decided his toenails were getting on my nerves.
As well as his smell.
So steps go as follows:
1. Grab Messiah CD (for my own personal relaxation also Kris, Lynn and I are going to a Handel concert tonight so... :) ) and toenail trimmers from my room.
2. Grab the dog. Pippin does not think he is in this for any personal lap time nor is he getting fed so he's already leary.
3. Take left front paw and hold it firmly in hand, then clip dew claw.
4. Pug tries to make himself look small and pathetic and shivering and jerking foot away. Human sits firm.
5. Four claws later on same paw, cry of distress is heard.
6. Mommy stops and then grabs a kleenex, hoping to save jeanskirt from blood stains, all the while telling pug everything is ok.
7. Human stops suddenly when pulling tissue away realizes that there is no blood present on the tissue.
8. Human continues on right front foot.
9. Human once more stops when pug yelps.
10. Once more grabs tissue to find that there is no blood.
11. Human realizes she is getting royally played by pug and manages to complete the job.
12. After pug is exhausted by this job, bath is simple and followed off by a good poop.
yeah, definitely personality.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Full Circle/ Seasons Change
We had a field trip yesterday. The whole school went to Blast Off, a local Laser Tag/Arcade/Playground/Pizza/Miniature Golf/Rock climbing place. Fun stuff really. I ran around like a maniac with my students, shooting them all and "defending" our red base. Quite fun.
It did take me back though. Three years ago, when our youth/singles were here on the missions trip that changed our lives, we went to Blast Off for Laser Tag... We shot Pastor Rice and giggled and had a great time. I went home and waited for two hours for the adrenaline to wear off.
I talked to Sister Snyder (my pastor's wife's mother) that night about wanting to come back here, feeling God's call on my life. We giggled about some other stuff (left in my head and heart for now) and I went to bed, knowing that THIS was where I belonged. And I knew that Pastor Rice would be my pastor at some point.
Fast forward to 2007, I have lived here over a year. And all the work of being involved in a home missions church, furthered by all the transitions of late. And amazingly enough, a church election last night.
Yes, Pastor Craig was voted in. Much to my relief as this church cannot handle the stress of doing this multiple times. And the last three days had been stressful enough to make me scream.
So I have come full circle, playing laser tag with my students and wondering about where life is going once more. But God has control of my life and that makes everything perfect.
It did take me back though. Three years ago, when our youth/singles were here on the missions trip that changed our lives, we went to Blast Off for Laser Tag... We shot Pastor Rice and giggled and had a great time. I went home and waited for two hours for the adrenaline to wear off.
I talked to Sister Snyder (my pastor's wife's mother) that night about wanting to come back here, feeling God's call on my life. We giggled about some other stuff (left in my head and heart for now) and I went to bed, knowing that THIS was where I belonged. And I knew that Pastor Rice would be my pastor at some point.
Fast forward to 2007, I have lived here over a year. And all the work of being involved in a home missions church, furthered by all the transitions of late. And amazingly enough, a church election last night.
Yes, Pastor Craig was voted in. Much to my relief as this church cannot handle the stress of doing this multiple times. And the last three days had been stressful enough to make me scream.
So I have come full circle, playing laser tag with my students and wondering about where life is going once more. But God has control of my life and that makes everything perfect.
Friday, November 7, 2008
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand...
"My hope is built on nothing less
Then Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand..."
The song that has been going through my head for two weeks. I was singing it in the back a week or so back and was rewarded by hearing Pastor Rice humming behind me. He's the only one I know that will come back when I am playing Keith Green or 2nd Chapter of Acts and come and sing with it. (I was doing lesson plans this summer and he came back and started singing Mansion Builder with my CD LOL)
It's been interesting at Mountainview Christian Center recently. Pastor Craig has put enough miles on his car between here and Lewiston that I'm surprised that gas isn't eating him alive. Pastor Rice and Sister Rice are in Salt Lake over half the week, leaving me with two students in class. Then Sister Lisa got sick and messed up her back.
Her students have been in my class for a week. It's been interesting.
Our pastoral election is on Tuesday. Sooner than I would want. If I think about it for too long, I want to cry. Pastor and Sister Rice mean so much to me here. But I have to accept God's will in this situation. I will be voting for Pastor Craig. No, I don't want them to leave, but keeping this transition long term is going to be so much worse for the church and the school.
The other song going through my head is one by Wayne Watson "For Such A Time as This"
"You, do you ever wonder why
Seems like the grass is always greener
Under everybody else's sky
RIGHT HERE RIGHT HERE
For this time and place,
We can live a mirror of his mercy
A forgiven image of grace
For such a time as this
I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God
And do his will whatever it is
For such a time as this
For now and all the days he gives
I am here, I am here and I am his
For such a time as this..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmYOQ8h4wsM
Right now, the world around me doesn't seem as important as what is happening here at Mountainview Christian Center. I don't see the differences that national politics makes to my life anymore. And Obama is not my president. He's not my ruler. He's not the one I look to.
God is. We would all do well to remember that. If I don't stand on that truth then I will not stand at all....
As the song says "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand..."
Then Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand..."
The song that has been going through my head for two weeks. I was singing it in the back a week or so back and was rewarded by hearing Pastor Rice humming behind me. He's the only one I know that will come back when I am playing Keith Green or 2nd Chapter of Acts and come and sing with it. (I was doing lesson plans this summer and he came back and started singing Mansion Builder with my CD LOL)
It's been interesting at Mountainview Christian Center recently. Pastor Craig has put enough miles on his car between here and Lewiston that I'm surprised that gas isn't eating him alive. Pastor Rice and Sister Rice are in Salt Lake over half the week, leaving me with two students in class. Then Sister Lisa got sick and messed up her back.
Her students have been in my class for a week. It's been interesting.
Our pastoral election is on Tuesday. Sooner than I would want. If I think about it for too long, I want to cry. Pastor and Sister Rice mean so much to me here. But I have to accept God's will in this situation. I will be voting for Pastor Craig. No, I don't want them to leave, but keeping this transition long term is going to be so much worse for the church and the school.
The other song going through my head is one by Wayne Watson "For Such A Time as This"
"You, do you ever wonder why
Seems like the grass is always greener
Under everybody else's sky
RIGHT HERE RIGHT HERE
For this time and place,
We can live a mirror of his mercy
A forgiven image of grace
For such a time as this
I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God
And do his will whatever it is
For such a time as this
For now and all the days he gives
I am here, I am here and I am his
For such a time as this..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmYOQ8h4wsM
Right now, the world around me doesn't seem as important as what is happening here at Mountainview Christian Center. I don't see the differences that national politics makes to my life anymore. And Obama is not my president. He's not my ruler. He's not the one I look to.
God is. We would all do well to remember that. If I don't stand on that truth then I will not stand at all....
As the song says "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand..."
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