Thoughts on UltraCon Apostolics and being in leadership...

When suddenly I realize that who I am has a lot to do with the person I was at another church it's time to go completely HUH!?!?!?

I guess it has to do with my being so reluctant to talk to my pastor when I am seriously overwhelmed and need help -- with my family being 1600 miles (more or less) away I end up depending on my pastor and his family sometimes -- and it feels weird to do so. I miss my family desperately no matter how much I know that I am in the will of God.

Thing is is that at the church I went to the entire time I was at Flat Rock, I never felt like I COULD go to talk to my pastor without being judged. Here, I can pop around whenever and stick out my tongue or stomp my foot when I get teased a bit. The Rices consider themselves my family while I'm out in Idaho and that's good.

I'm comfortable with Pastor Rice and Sister Rice as people. That's the thing. They are awesome folks. I get hugs constantly and told how much I am loved and appreciated almost daily. I get bragged about to visiting ministry (I've heard this) and when I conquer some horrible fear (like climbing up a mountain at Craters of the Moon this week when I am HORRIFICALLY afraid of heights) then he tells me how proud he is of me.

Problem is is that when I was in Greensburg I never went to see my pastor. It just wasn't done in the church culture there. Of course, he might have been nicer than I thought, but I was never very comfy with him.

*shrugs*

In spite of it, I'm learning to conquer fears. I'm learning to ask for help when I need it (that happens) and learning to depend on other people and open myself up.

But the more that anyone knows about me, the more I'm unsure of myself and my standing in the world. I'm not the Pentecostal princess by any stretch (My sister comes much much closer) and I'm not following any mold that any Apostolic woman follows... I guess that's why I get scared sometimes that something will go wrong with all of this and I can' t do without this town or church anymore.

But I know this is a trap of Satan to make me feel like this isn't God's will for me and that I'll never be a good leader in the church. I'm working on it. My pastor and his wife depend on me and so do a lot of others...

I'll keep on going til the end.